Words From The Warden
Johari Window
During my years officiating football and basketball, I learned to expect criticism from spectators—and sometimes from coaches. I was accused of taking bribes, cheating, not caring about the participants, and, of course, being stupid. I was also called names that should not be repeated in polite company.
One memorable incident occurred while I was officiating a Michigan Wolverines game. Head coach Lloyd Carr was upset about a call and repeatedly insisted that he wanted to speak with “F---ing Henry.” We discussed the play, and he was satisfied that I had listened to his concerns. Before we parted, I said, “Coach, my first name isn’t F---ing.” He replied, “Well, then it must be your middle name.”
Throughout my career, I held several positions that required me to work with people who were upset or frustrated. Parents sometimes believed their children were not receiving enough playing time and expected me to tell the coach whom to play. School administrators, unhappy with the opponent their team would face in a tournament, occasionally directed unkind comments my way.
Those experiences taught me an important lesson: no matter how caring or empathetic I tried to be, others did not always see me as I saw myself. Their perceptions were shaped by their own concerns, frustrations, and expectations. Yet I also had to consider that their perceptions might sometimes be more accurate than my own.
Not long ago, Pastor Julia introduced the Johari Window, a framework for understanding the relationship between how we see ourselves and how others see us. It was a new concept for me.
The model divides self-awareness into four areas:
Open: What is known about you both to yourself and to others.
Hidden: What you know about yourself, but others do not.
Blind: What others recognize about you that you do not recognize in yourself.
Unknown: What remains unknown about you both to yourself and to others.
Recently, I had an interaction with a fellow parishioner and did not realize that I had caused offense. Because I am not easily offended, I sometimes forget that my words or actions may unintentionally hurt someone else.
The parishioner told me emphatically that I had been rude and offensive. They felt that I considered myself better than others and pushed my opinions forcefully, without being willing to compromise. They added that if I chose to behave that way, they would respond however they wished.
The confrontation caught me by surprise. My first reaction was anger, but in the moment, all I could say was, “Okay.”
After some time had passed, my hurt and anger subsided. I was able to reflect more calmly on the confrontation through the lens of the Johari Window and consider the gap between how I see myself and how others may perceive me:
Empathetic and supportive: I may see myself this way, while others may experience me differently.
Funny and likable: What I intend as humor may come across as boastful or crass.
Accepting of all people: Despite that intention, others may see my biases reflected in my words or actions.
This week’s “Words from the Warden” is, in part, an invitation to hold myself accountable for any hurt or offense I may have caused.
I write this column each week to share experiences that have affected me and may resonate with some of you. These reflections are never intended to be boastful, judgmental, or hurtful. I know the parishioner mentioned above does not read these columns because they consider them useless. Even so, I write with the intent of sharing the joy, hope, and meaning I find in my life and Christian faith.
To my fellow St. Lukers: please accept my sincere apology for any offense caused by my “thought, word, or deed.” Know that I truly care for and love each of you.
Peace,
Henry Zaborniak, Senior Warden